Have I ever faked an orgasm? No. I knew from hearing my peers and some of the girls older than me discuss sex that when the time came for me to have sex, I refused to have the experiences I heard them discuss. Sex was, in my opinion, too risky NOT to enjoy and for the person I had sex with not to care whether I did. As I’ve grown into my womanhood, I have heard one too many times how “sex can be worked on” or witnessed how women have downplayed the importance of their enjoyment for the sake of love, companionship, or another person’s ego.
Because of this, sex being a topic with someone I’m dating is not one I shy away from. And I don’t think other women, or even men, should shy away from it either. Discussing what you like and asking questions about things you’re curious about, would like to try, or even want to know if someone has done is not a bad thing. This is a way to see if you and the person you’re interested in are sexually compatible. And despite what we—and I’m speaking directly to the women on this—have been taught, sexual compatibility is important, and sex is meant for us to enjoy as well.
I also believe that the same way we debrief after a scene in BDSM, we should do so after sex. Now, I’m not saying debrief after every sexual encounter, but when you’re learning each other? Hell yea! As a heterosexual woman, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard men say in group conversations about sex that “if a woman doesn’t enjoy sex with me, she doesn’t know her body” or my favorite one, “no one complained before her, so clearly I’m not the problem.” And although PART of the issue could be a woman not knowing what can help get her there, it doesn’t negate that some men don’t care enough to notice whether their partner is enjoying herself. Or they don’t think to check in because no one has complained before.
The best way for your partner to learn what gets you there is to communicate it. Your partner cannot learn your body if you keep rewarding them for getting it wrong. Mutual masturbation is a good way for your partner to watch what YOU do to get yourself there. However, if that is not something you’re comfortable with, begin with telling them or guiding their hands and movements. Either way, communication is key.
And this does not need to become a full performance review immediately after sex. Communication can be as simple as saying, “I like what you’re doing, but can you slow down?” “Use a little less pressure.” “Can I show you what works for me?” Or even, “That usually doesn’t make me orgasm, but this does.” You can also move their hand, adjust your body, or show them the rhythm you like. Explaining what feels good does not have to ruin the moment. It can make the moment better.
And there is a way to tell your partner that you aren’t 100% satisfied without making them feel attacked. Now, I will say, if this conversation gets defensive or anything that signifies they aren’t able to properly receive the feedback, this is the time to evaluate how safe this person is and if you should continue to engage with them. And this goes for men & women. I know I spoke mostly to heterosexual women with this post; however, women aren’t above correction in the bedroom either. The pleasure gap between men and women during penetrative sex is entirely too big for most men to think they aren’t doing anything wrong. And, at the end of the day, pleasure is yours, so never be afraid to speak up for yourself.
0 comments