Black women aren’t allowed to be sexually free, let alone enjoy sex. There, I said it. There is a clip of Dr. Umar speaking on this. The moment we as Black women admit to liking something as simple as sex toys in the bedroom, we’re considered to be “too freaked out,” depending on what man you’re speaking to. Hell, men will say that’s the reason a man isn’t making you orgasm instead of considering their own technique to be the problem. We have women like Ari Lennox and Shenseea saying they’ve been faking it and not orgasming, and yet men still don’t think they’re a part of the problem? Please.
But I digress. The moment Black women sexually express themselves; they are deemed to be lesser than. We already have an issue with society looking at Black women as women who deserve less and who are automatically hypersexual, even if they don’t have sexual experience—we don’t need the men we seek to be in community or relationships with doing the same. Unfortunately, they do.
White women are the leaders of promiscuous and sexually deviant behavior, yet in conversations regarding love and marriage, they are still upheld as “trained to be wives” or “more submissive” in comparison to Black women. Even our men (Black men) honor them despite their extensive history of “Girls Gone Wild” behavior. Ciara is still being bashed today as undeserving of marriage because of who her child’s father is—who was her fiancé at the time their child was conceived, mind you. Yet when Black women discuss wanting to wait to have sex, wanting to be in a relationship before doing so, or any of their boundaries surrounding sex for that matter, men get up in arms about how they don’t have to wait—not only that, but they will be fucking someone, or multiple someones, while making those women think they are waiting with them. But then, when Black women ask why not explore a relationship with those women who are willing to partake in sexual activities that the other woman isn’t willing to partake in, they act flabbergasted by the idea. Neither having sex nor waiting earns Black women respect when the standard keeps changing according to what men want.
Typically, the men that Black men have championed exhibit the behavior men would be leery of if women exhibited the same behavior—for example, pimps. Men want to partake in promiscuity without valuing the person they’re partaking in promiscuity with. Men project what they think promiscuity is like without being a part of it. If you pay close enough attention, the men who usually stand and scream about how Black women who are hoes don’t deserve to be wives are usually the men who look at sex as something to be done to a woman and not WITH a woman.
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